People who need to have people care about them aren’t going to be helped by this. In fact, it’s probably a bit insulting that the only reason anyone is enquiring about their wellbeing is because of some highly paid marketing wanker who came up with the phrase.  Sure it’s nice for people who are ok, and they’re pleased to have their friends take the time today to ask. It’s all nice and fluffy… and safe… and not doing the job all those dollars spent on the campaign were meant to achieve.

It’s a waste of money. And really… REAL friends should be checking in on their mates all the time anyway, especially those who they know are having a tough time or suffer from these crippling conditions.

And I’m not even sure the question should be R U OK? Unless you’re prepared for the answer to be “no, I want to take a shotgun to my head and pull the trigger”…. which I’m sure for most people would be met with…. *awkward silence*

People who are contemplating suicide and suffering from mental health issues need to be treated like they are normal. Need to be included in the typical daily banter amongst friends. Need to get random funny sms’s just because. This is what helps. This is what makes them understand that the people that are in their circle love them and think about them.

Not some superficial buzzword campaign.

Too much money and effort gets spent on these stupid things that help no one. Or don’t help the people I know that need them most. Like having the words “Ambassador for Beyond Blue” on your resume. Really? WTF does that even mean. Bit of a tangent I know, but I came across this last year and was disgusted. It all looks great in writing on your credentials and might even win you some awards. More crud for your CV, but I’ve never known you to do anything for Beyond Blue in our region, and never heard of any kind of worthwhile campaign or outreach program that will actually help those who need it.

More access to counselling. Hey how about some free counselling?? Now that would be a worthwhile way to spend those bucks you just wasted on the most pretentious piece of tripe I’ve come across in recent time.

R U OK? Well for today, I am. Thanks for asking, and don’t forget to check in this time next year when you’re prompted by facebook to do so.

It always leads to random dreams, last night’s being one about Bjorn scoring mum and me free tickets to go see the BeeGees (Dad’s favourite band).

I think this is compounding the sore throat and thumping head I’ve had lately, so I’m looking forward to September 5th when we move into whatever the next holiday on the calendar it is… probably Christmas. Erg. I hate Christmas too! haha. Such.A.Grinch.

I helped them get their first liquor license (they were in my name), got them their first security company they still use today. Drafted contracts and sponsorship proposals. Hell I even registered their ABN for them.

Six years later nothing I say matters. I get told to ‘get a life’ when I try to get everyone on track with proper procedures. I’m laughed at for going on about photographers cutting off elbows… when from a design point of view it makes the photo totally worthless. You can’t put a giant torso on a poster, so therefore you need the shot to be complete. It’s not fucking rocket science and shouldn’t be this hard!

And never mind the fact that every hour I spend having to search through photos that are almost identical, some that are out of focus, and then have to request the high res and wait for a response before I can actually do my work….. is an hour I don’t get to spend working on something for a full fee paying client.

I knew moving away from the city might make it slightly more difficult, but is it really? Internet, phone, email. Not really, that’s just an excuse I’m trying to give to help me resolve how we got to this point.

I don’t want it to be playing on my mind in the middle of the night like it did last night. I don’t want it to be a big deal because I’m sure it’s not for any of them, so why is it for me?

I’ve always been so proud of these guys, but there’s a lull that’s been hit and everyone now needs to pull their socks up if they want to maintain or, hopefully, grow. Is ridiculing people who are trying to help really the right way to go about it??

I brought along my crochet stuff. I’m trying to learn by myself and pretty much failing at it. Really want to make some red and black granny squares and sew them together for a blankie. I’ll get there. Its one of my many 2011 crafty goals. I’m also taking some handmade RCW necklaces to sell too, so that’s another goal fulfilled. Still tons to aim for though, including getting my Morris back on the road and branded with Gunhoundink.

I did almost stay home today though. It would have been my Aunties 60th birthday today and I know it’s a really hard day for mum. I’ll go up to the cemetery tomorrow. . Dads 60th is next month so there’s another milestone day that will be hard. Miss them both so so much. Each and every day. I think he’d be pretty proud of all the work I’ve done lately. I love him so much.

Finally, I can see both of these coming to an end. Finally. After weighing me down for what seems like months.

Print work is still very steady with one client in particular keeping me juggling. And my regular day job is picking up and needs a great deal of my attention now, right when I’m feeling my flattest.
Every time I think I almost clear my plate, more work comes my way, and we’re still yet to even advertise.

On the one hand, it is great to have some steady income to work on a few housey things, like my garden bad and new to us, second hand oven. But on the other hand I’m freaking out a lot and my mind is constantly racing, reminding myself of stuff I can’t forget to do.
Clothes are chaos in my house. There’s always dishes to do, and my filing cabinet is in disarray.

I wake up tired.

While I play such a ridiculously small role (doing design and marketing work for one fed – oh and can I add NOT the DVDs), I manage to get my name dragged out into the public by people who do not know me and have no right to criticise me. (Yes I’m fat. Big deal. But I probably work out more than you lazy fucks).

While I’d love nothing more than my wrestling friends to come out in my defence, I’m actually proud that Riot City Wrestling don’t buy into this online bullshit. They give me support and love but without fuelling the absurdity of the egotistical jerks out there who give Aussie wrestling such a bad name.

Fuck each and every one of you, and long live Riot City. All they care about is wrestling and putting on a great show for their fans. It’s about time the rest of you focus on doing the same thing. And those that are too old and lazy to wrestle? You really have nothing else to contribute so fuck off and find a new hobby. You’re not helping anyone.

Peace Out. That’s my final rant on the matter.

But I think a corner has been turned. I just couldn’t stand by and let my partner break down in pain and frustration and not have some of it rub off on me. And when he’s the cause of it (which he knows, and that just makes him worse), and the subject is too personal, then I have no one to turn to. No release for the pain I’m feeling because I can’t burden him with that. That would be incredibly selfish. But then hurting myself and him knowing it is also incredibly hurtful.

So, apart from a bruised knuckle, some scratches on my arm and tense shoulder stress, the worst has come and gone. We know the things we have to change. And now we know this isn’t going to be instant or easy.

Today I started the day walking the dog, and also slipped in 2 sessions of cardio boxing on the kinect before working in the arvo. I might not be able to keep up the routine everyday, but on days where I don’t work all day in an office then this is going to be my priority. Because even though my legs are shakey walking up the stairs to my office. Damn it feels good.

Life isn’t about wishing and wanting, it’s about doing and being. A great mind told me that once. I just wish he found it easier to listen to his own advice. xxx

Add to that the loss of a baby we didn’t know we were having, which brings up all sorts of questions and emotions and is followed by lots of tests and the discovery of cysts and waiting to get the all clear on them.

Then comes December.

The lead up to Mum’s brain surgery was pretty daunting. Wills and Power of Attorneys and preparing yourself mentally for the worst, which, once you’ve been through a dramatic trauma like we have with Dad and Auntie Carol, then unfortunately your brain knows exactly what it’s like to receive bad news. Any time the phone rings you get a cold sweat. Driving past Mum’s house every morning and sighing with relief when her car isn’t there and you know she’s alive and at work. It’s a burden on the brain, but unavoidable. It comes with being a caring daughter.

Her admission to hospital was nerve wracking. Lots of ‘could happen’s including paralysis, strokes, seizures, all the stuff they legally have to prepare you for. And then the drama of her heading into surgery early and running through Adelaide to get to her in time. But we made it, and did our good luck kisses and possible goodbyes.

We were lucky though. She’s a bit of a superwoman my dear old mum. She made it through with flying colours and lives to shop another day (her words, not mine).

After only 4 days in hospital she was itching to come home. It seemed sudden, but then the world keeps moving and there’s always stuff to do. We stayed in Adelaide for the weekend and did the RCW Awards night. It’s always good to hang with our friends outside of the work we do for them.

But back to home, and to the reality that we hadn’t prepared at all for Christmas which was now looming over our heads. A seven hour drive to Kadina on Christmas day. Just me, Bjorn and Betty. I tried to look at it as being with the person I love most in the world, and my best friend the dog. Wasn’t very Christmassy though. We got roadhouse lunch at Tailem Bend, and it was horrible.

It was nice to catch up with Bjorn’s family for a few days though, and then the extended family I’d never met, all there to celebrate his Nanna’s 80th. Betty loved her time with 4 other dogs too!

Back to the Mount (again) and now suddenly I have 2 days to prepare for the second ever New Years Eve Festival.

Probably the hardest part about organising a festival on a volunteer committee is not being in charge. That probably sounds terrible, but I try so hard not to take over, and at the last minute feel myself picking up pieces that had nothing to do with me anyway. What a long day it was too. When I got there at 8am there were 26 porta loos dumped in the middle of the oval and nothing else. People kept commenting throughout the night about how organised everything was. Which is a great testament to how much work we did throughout the day.

So I was on my feet for probably 18 hours. Then back at my house for the after party I drank lemonade and watched as my friends drank on. I missed Jack incredibly, who was too sick to come down. But the rest of the wrestlers were there and they got a great crowd all night at the festival.

At 5:30am I drove the stragglers back to their motel and tried to go to bed, but then an offer to install my new kitchen taps came via sms at 6.04am, saying they’d be there in an hour. So we did some plumbing work at 7.30, even though the body of a wrestler was asleep on my futon just 3m away! haha.

In the end, I didn’t get to sleep at all, and I’ve said before but I do think sleep deprivation is on par with a hangover. I felt like shit, only that shit didn’t start feeling better, but started feeling worse, and so I started the year with a full blown sinus infection.

Doctors here suck.

The doc I got in to see was running 50 minutes late, and so I was almost treated like I was in a rotating door. In and out in 3 minutes with a prescription for antibiotics and a bill for almost $60. My ears are so blocked I can hear myself speaking inside my head. I cough so much every night I can’t sleep. And I have panadol resistant headaches.

But I’m back at work. The world waits for no one I’m afraid.

And though I had a false start to the new year, I’m determined to get motivated. I’m back with Sonya tomorrow morning, and will start my Kinect fitness plan tonight (maybe ease into it with some Tai Chi). Have to take Betty walking more (she’s starting to get a belly like her mum!), and will diet shake it up a couple of times a week.

This year has to be better than last year, and I’m the only one who can make it so.

On the work front there are times I hear myself saying I have the best of both worlds, a steady government part time job, and the freedom to do some freelance. But really, it’s a juggling act, with clients expecting things overnight when I already have a full plate, and some taking their sweet time to pay me when I’ve got literally 53 cents in the bank.

It’s not the best of both worlds, but perhaps the crappiest parts of both worlds. And in the meantime Bjorn is getting harassed by centrelink and the worst job agency I’ve ever come across, bringing his panic attacks into full swing, and there’s not a damn thing I can do for him.

Meanwhile the will has been done. She’s only been talking about it for five years, and now I’m also mum’s power of attorney, in case she suffers a massive stroke in the surgery or whatever, I have the power to carry on her affairs and pay her bills etc.  I’ve had to ask her some tough questions, like whether she’d like to donate organs… but you know, I have no idea what she’d want to wear… what kind of coffin she’d prefer…. and what song(s) she’d like played at her funeral… if it comes to that.

How do you ask someone that?

Now I have travel plans to make that don’t really fit well with us when you have a dog and two cats…. so keeping them safe and fed and happy become part of the juggling act too, as well as preparing for New Years Eve, and keeping that ball in the air too.

Something’s going to drop sooner or later. Fuck Christmas. Bjorn’s family (the extended, not the core), want us to confirm plans, but my god people. I can’t see past about the middle of next week at this stage.

I just need to get through this next part, and just hope to hell for the best.

I’ve been trying to pinpoint it, and the only real thing that happened yesterday was a reminder of the horrible message sent to me probably a year or so ago, by one of the most unjustifiably egotistical wrestlers I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet…. who claimed my Dad wasn’t as big a man as him because my Dad didn’t survive his brain tumour.

Yes, horrible thing to say right? But you know out of all the friends I have who are wrestlers… who I class as real REAL friends…. I’m struggling to think of any who came out publicly and said that was wrong. Sure they did to me in person. But in the limelight? Mark Williamson did, who I’ve met once. But most people tread lightly around this wrestler like he’s someone important. It’s crap. Sure he’s wrestled some impressive names, but both times I’ve seen him in action, and any clips I’ve seen…. he’s just sloppy, old and extremely limited.

It bugs me. It makes me wonder bad things. It makes me just want to shut myself off from the world and listen to those sad songs and just cry.

As for the other stuff mentioned about us on this podcast radio show or whatever it is (I have neither the time or inclination to listen)… a $100 DVD is not a top priority for us, and I’m sorry I didn’t get back to your last message about it, but hey… I kind of had a massive personal crisis in July, and apart from that, I don’t do the DVDs. Why come to me about it? They have nothing to do with me! Sure if you’d paid and we’d not delivered, get pissy, but fuck. On the scheme of things and the amount of real work we have going on…. Get over yourself. Plus, you defriended us on facebook so I took that as a sure sign you were no longer interested in our services.

Our services. Is that really what it comes down to? Perhaps people in the wrestling industry aren’t actually our friends. They’re people we service…..